Friday, November 14, 2008
The Jeanne Dixon 1989 Senior Prophecies
Written in one of the last St. Croix Couriers of our Senior year.
The Jeanne Dixon 1989 Senior Prophecies
These predictions and prophecies were uncovered a mere two months ago in a US History textbook (among other memorabilia Mr. Stueber’s class of classes). They were dated June 5, 1969. As with many of Jeanne Dixon’s predictions, they should be taken as seriously as her predictions that space aliens would invade the earth and inhabit Imelda Marcos’s shoe closet or that the entire Senior class would pay class dues. With that in mind, here are the prophecies for the Class of 1989. . . .
Janice Anderson: wins the Championship title of the National Jell-O Gelatin Jell-O snarfing Competition, yet in all of her training she only gains one pound. She then wins the 1995 Miss Photogenic Titles for her outstanding morning poses.
JC Bergmann: is put in the Guinness Book of Records for his amazing balloon display (a replica of Mr. Stueber’s prize dog fish). He enters the stock market where he is a smashing success.
Mike Buffington: undergoes a sudden and violent transformation into the ultra-conservative middle class Republican businessman. But, when no one is looking, he still occasionally wears that one Judas Priest shirt.
Eric Bullen: becomes a professional basketball player, but unfortunately goes into debt because he owes the NBA for all of the blackboards he has shattered.
Gretchen Busch: eventually makes her way out to California and lives the single life while looking for that perfect Hari Krishna.
Joe Cogger: becomes a Highway patrolman so he can cruise at any speed he wants and give others speeding tickets. He then retires and makes a name for himself restoring older cars with his specialty being Pintos and Novas.
Andrea Crossfield: spends the rest of her life looking for the items on the Old Country Buffet menu which she had hoped to order from years ago.
Jenny Dale: becomes founder and life-long member of the Amazonian League for the Domination of Men by Women. She is so effective that the E.R.M.A. (Equal Rights for Men Amendment) is ratified to protect men’s rights.
Brad Donaldson: begins a rigorous weight training program and eventually wins the Mr. Olympia title, all the while pursuing his music career with his band and going on tour with Monsters of Rock IV.
Allison Dummer: wins a Nobel Prize for her extensive work with fusion while in college. However, her next project is a complete failure when she is unable to stop or retard the rusting process of the family car.
Miss Everts: Starts her own line of Cornhuskers sportswear with messages written across the butt. She then moves to a rural area in Nebraska and becomes the county sheriff.
Sean Grasz: becomes an accomplished musician and shows off his talent at such distinguished places as Carnegie Hall, Radio City Music Hall, and Billy Bob’s Tobacco Spit Bar-B-Q and Piano Bar.
Liz Gullickson: joins a radical, terrorist animal rights group and is instrumental in putting Kentucky Fried Chicken out of business. She then settles down with her newly liberated chickens and raises tracheophytas.
Ross Hansen: After holding the Big Ten record batting average for intramural whiffleball, he is chosen to become the athletic director of the University of Iowa.
Laura Heemeyer: After visiting Germany, she finds that she likes it so much that she moves there permanently, marries a man named Klaus, and has two children, Gretel and Heinrich.
Gerry Hendrickson: becomes a world famous bell player for the London Symphony Orchestra, and finally reaches the pinnacle of his career by playing “The Smurf’s Theme” for the Queen of England.
Nate Hochmuth: becomes a religion teacher but is driven to insanity by an unruly kid, who turns out to be the son of Pastor Huebner. He later becomes a horse dentist and develops an incurable addiction to the video game “Q-Bert.”
Kim Hoepner: gets so many speeding tickets that her license is revoked until she is 89 years old.
John Innes: becomes a world-renowned photographer for the Photography Today and becomes the Surgeon General’s chief guinea pig used to study the adverse effects of mass quantities of caffeine on the body.
Mike Jeseritz: with his experience in track, Mike becomes a chiropractor who specializes in shin splints. However, after five years, he feels shins are not for him, so he goes back to school and realizes his true calling in life: gynecology.
Jana Just: after purchasing 40 acres of Oceanside real estate in Nevada, she establishes a chain of research centers to examine the problem of being incurably gullible.
Kirsten Just: recovers from the operation she had on her throat in time to start her new teaching position in Saskatchewan. Her favorite class to teach is a combination of Economics and Pre-Calculus and she continually visits St. Croix to get help and bug Mr. Stueber on his speech.
Dean and Scott Kaminski: become tag-team wrestlers for the AWA and hold the Championship belt for many years to come. Scott in the meantime becomes quite a lady’s man while Dean comes back to St. Croix and takes Mr. Everts up on the arm wrestling match. Who won? Who do you think!
Jin Krueger: becomes a professional stunt driver who specializes in doing fantastic and dangerous maneuvers with classic cars that spontaneously combust.
Nathan Kruse: becomes a world-class track star. He then enters politics and becomes Speaker of the House. He disappears when a scandal breaks out and later turns up on the island of Sicily as a mafia lord.
Scott Lewis: moves to Berkeley, California and becomes instrumental in reviving the hippie generation.
Jennifer Lindemann: becomes so accustomed to overseas visitors that she starts a boarding house that caters exclusively too foreign exchange students.
Michelle McKenzy: becomes head manager for Hot Dogs N’ More in Signal Hills. However, shortly thereafter she is fired for trying to incorporate a drive thru window there.
Chris Marier: becomes a script writer for ALF and the world’s largest Spork manufacturer and supplier. He formally introduces Tag Team Chutes N’ Ladders to the Olympics and becomes the first commissioner of the National Professional Chutes N’ Ladders Association.
Marc Meier: eventually grows a full beard and later shaves it into a goatee. He is chosen as the Gillette Co. TV spokesman.
Dave Miller: makes regular appearances on the Morton Downey Show and holds the record for inciting riots on the show. He is such a hit that the producers fire Mort and hire Dave as the new host.
Jody Mueller: goes on to play volleyball in the 1992 Olympics and frequently visits St. Croix to pester Mr. Stueber about his R’s.
Katie Neikirk: dyes her hair black and unsuccessfully tries to convince the world that she is not a blonde. She is chosen as the Colgate Poster Person because of her continuous smile.
Kari Orf: continues working at “Catch-A-Tan” for a while until she decides to start her own tanning parlor. However, for some reason, her “Tan-A-Hide parlor doesn’t seems to quite catch on.
Trisha Peterson: After struggling many years in the field of journalism, she finds a successful career as editor of a chain of tabloids, including the National Enquirer.
Dana Redding: overcomes her shyness, becomes a social fire cracker, and because of her social status, appears every other week in the National Enquirer.
Matt Rindal: becomes a hamster tail addict, tearing the tails off 5-6 hamsters a day, and is soon after arrested and put through treatment. Once recovered, he follows his life long ambition and becomes a lunch server for School District 197.
Joe Roberts: becomes divisional manger of the Menard’s chain in New Zealand and makes thermometers as a hobby.
Scott Roepke: moves to Ely, MN and makes a career out of apprehending cigarette stealers. Unfortunately, all he encounters are plaid flannel shirted, shotgun toting rednecks, so he becomes a DNR worker.
Doug Schlottman: fights for a spot on any NBA team that will take him. He is singed by the LA Clippers because of his outstanding 3 point shooting and perimeter shots. However, he is released one year later and starts PASCAL programming and faculty mimicking as his vocation.
Debbie Schultz: becomes a very successful teacher while on the weekends she takes up bodybuilding and becomes a female All Star wrestler by the name of Deb the Destroyer.
Jon Stadler: goes on to write Top 10 lists for David Letterman and eventually buy’s out all SPAM stocks and sells SPAM for $1.45 a can. However, he ends up bankrupt and because he still is paying for repairs on his Ford Escort when he cracked the block.
Sarah Stoerzinger: with her experience at the United Store, she moves to the Boundary Waters, builds a long cabin, and starts a camping equipment outfitting store.
Brian Strojny: starts and successfully operates a large car dealership with a wide variety of cars. However, he sells everything he has and spends the rest of his life tracking down Christine in hopes of retrieving her and putting an end to her reign of terror.
Brad Wildman: becomes an underground supplier of front row tickets to concerts until he is arrested and indicted for insider wristband trading. He is then sentenced to attend every concert in the US for one year with tickets for nosebleed seats
Becca Zarn: is caught with gum so many times before school is out that the graduation service is held in Room 11. Once out of St. Croix, she goes on to work for Bubble Yum, Inc. And stars in George Lucas’s latest flick, “Star Wars: Warrior Wookies”.
The Jeanne Dixon 1989 Senior Prophecies
These predictions and prophecies were uncovered a mere two months ago in a US History textbook (among other memorabilia Mr. Stueber’s class of classes). They were dated June 5, 1969. As with many of Jeanne Dixon’s predictions, they should be taken as seriously as her predictions that space aliens would invade the earth and inhabit Imelda Marcos’s shoe closet or that the entire Senior class would pay class dues. With that in mind, here are the prophecies for the Class of 1989. . . .
Janice Anderson: wins the Championship title of the National Jell-O Gelatin Jell-O snarfing Competition, yet in all of her training she only gains one pound. She then wins the 1995 Miss Photogenic Titles for her outstanding morning poses.
JC Bergmann: is put in the Guinness Book of Records for his amazing balloon display (a replica of Mr. Stueber’s prize dog fish). He enters the stock market where he is a smashing success.
Mike Buffington: undergoes a sudden and violent transformation into the ultra-conservative middle class Republican businessman. But, when no one is looking, he still occasionally wears that one Judas Priest shirt.
Eric Bullen: becomes a professional basketball player, but unfortunately goes into debt because he owes the NBA for all of the blackboards he has shattered.
Gretchen Busch: eventually makes her way out to California and lives the single life while looking for that perfect Hari Krishna.
Joe Cogger: becomes a Highway patrolman so he can cruise at any speed he wants and give others speeding tickets. He then retires and makes a name for himself restoring older cars with his specialty being Pintos and Novas.
Andrea Crossfield: spends the rest of her life looking for the items on the Old Country Buffet menu which she had hoped to order from years ago.
Jenny Dale: becomes founder and life-long member of the Amazonian League for the Domination of Men by Women. She is so effective that the E.R.M.A. (Equal Rights for Men Amendment) is ratified to protect men’s rights.
Brad Donaldson: begins a rigorous weight training program and eventually wins the Mr. Olympia title, all the while pursuing his music career with his band and going on tour with Monsters of Rock IV.
Allison Dummer: wins a Nobel Prize for her extensive work with fusion while in college. However, her next project is a complete failure when she is unable to stop or retard the rusting process of the family car.
Miss Everts: Starts her own line of Cornhuskers sportswear with messages written across the butt. She then moves to a rural area in Nebraska and becomes the county sheriff.
Sean Grasz: becomes an accomplished musician and shows off his talent at such distinguished places as Carnegie Hall, Radio City Music Hall, and Billy Bob’s Tobacco Spit Bar-B-Q and Piano Bar.
Liz Gullickson: joins a radical, terrorist animal rights group and is instrumental in putting Kentucky Fried Chicken out of business. She then settles down with her newly liberated chickens and raises tracheophytas.
Ross Hansen: After holding the Big Ten record batting average for intramural whiffleball, he is chosen to become the athletic director of the University of Iowa.
Laura Heemeyer: After visiting Germany, she finds that she likes it so much that she moves there permanently, marries a man named Klaus, and has two children, Gretel and Heinrich.
Gerry Hendrickson: becomes a world famous bell player for the London Symphony Orchestra, and finally reaches the pinnacle of his career by playing “The Smurf’s Theme” for the Queen of England.
Nate Hochmuth: becomes a religion teacher but is driven to insanity by an unruly kid, who turns out to be the son of Pastor Huebner. He later becomes a horse dentist and develops an incurable addiction to the video game “Q-Bert.”
Kim Hoepner: gets so many speeding tickets that her license is revoked until she is 89 years old.
John Innes: becomes a world-renowned photographer for the Photography Today and becomes the Surgeon General’s chief guinea pig used to study the adverse effects of mass quantities of caffeine on the body.
Mike Jeseritz: with his experience in track, Mike becomes a chiropractor who specializes in shin splints. However, after five years, he feels shins are not for him, so he goes back to school and realizes his true calling in life: gynecology.
Jana Just: after purchasing 40 acres of Oceanside real estate in Nevada, she establishes a chain of research centers to examine the problem of being incurably gullible.
Kirsten Just: recovers from the operation she had on her throat in time to start her new teaching position in Saskatchewan. Her favorite class to teach is a combination of Economics and Pre-Calculus and she continually visits St. Croix to get help and bug Mr. Stueber on his speech.
Dean and Scott Kaminski: become tag-team wrestlers for the AWA and hold the Championship belt for many years to come. Scott in the meantime becomes quite a lady’s man while Dean comes back to St. Croix and takes Mr. Everts up on the arm wrestling match. Who won? Who do you think!
Jin Krueger: becomes a professional stunt driver who specializes in doing fantastic and dangerous maneuvers with classic cars that spontaneously combust.
Nathan Kruse: becomes a world-class track star. He then enters politics and becomes Speaker of the House. He disappears when a scandal breaks out and later turns up on the island of Sicily as a mafia lord.
Scott Lewis: moves to Berkeley, California and becomes instrumental in reviving the hippie generation.
Jennifer Lindemann: becomes so accustomed to overseas visitors that she starts a boarding house that caters exclusively too foreign exchange students.
Michelle McKenzy: becomes head manager for Hot Dogs N’ More in Signal Hills. However, shortly thereafter she is fired for trying to incorporate a drive thru window there.
Chris Marier: becomes a script writer for ALF and the world’s largest Spork manufacturer and supplier. He formally introduces Tag Team Chutes N’ Ladders to the Olympics and becomes the first commissioner of the National Professional Chutes N’ Ladders Association.
Marc Meier: eventually grows a full beard and later shaves it into a goatee. He is chosen as the Gillette Co. TV spokesman.
Dave Miller: makes regular appearances on the Morton Downey Show and holds the record for inciting riots on the show. He is such a hit that the producers fire Mort and hire Dave as the new host.
Jody Mueller: goes on to play volleyball in the 1992 Olympics and frequently visits St. Croix to pester Mr. Stueber about his R’s.
Katie Neikirk: dyes her hair black and unsuccessfully tries to convince the world that she is not a blonde. She is chosen as the Colgate Poster Person because of her continuous smile.
Kari Orf: continues working at “Catch-A-Tan” for a while until she decides to start her own tanning parlor. However, for some reason, her “Tan-A-Hide parlor doesn’t seems to quite catch on.
Trisha Peterson: After struggling many years in the field of journalism, she finds a successful career as editor of a chain of tabloids, including the National Enquirer.
Dana Redding: overcomes her shyness, becomes a social fire cracker, and because of her social status, appears every other week in the National Enquirer.
Matt Rindal: becomes a hamster tail addict, tearing the tails off 5-6 hamsters a day, and is soon after arrested and put through treatment. Once recovered, he follows his life long ambition and becomes a lunch server for School District 197.
Joe Roberts: becomes divisional manger of the Menard’s chain in New Zealand and makes thermometers as a hobby.
Scott Roepke: moves to Ely, MN and makes a career out of apprehending cigarette stealers. Unfortunately, all he encounters are plaid flannel shirted, shotgun toting rednecks, so he becomes a DNR worker.
Doug Schlottman: fights for a spot on any NBA team that will take him. He is singed by the LA Clippers because of his outstanding 3 point shooting and perimeter shots. However, he is released one year later and starts PASCAL programming and faculty mimicking as his vocation.
Debbie Schultz: becomes a very successful teacher while on the weekends she takes up bodybuilding and becomes a female All Star wrestler by the name of Deb the Destroyer.
Jon Stadler: goes on to write Top 10 lists for David Letterman and eventually buy’s out all SPAM stocks and sells SPAM for $1.45 a can. However, he ends up bankrupt and because he still is paying for repairs on his Ford Escort when he cracked the block.
Sarah Stoerzinger: with her experience at the United Store, she moves to the Boundary Waters, builds a long cabin, and starts a camping equipment outfitting store.
Brian Strojny: starts and successfully operates a large car dealership with a wide variety of cars. However, he sells everything he has and spends the rest of his life tracking down Christine in hopes of retrieving her and putting an end to her reign of terror.
Brad Wildman: becomes an underground supplier of front row tickets to concerts until he is arrested and indicted for insider wristband trading. He is then sentenced to attend every concert in the US for one year with tickets for nosebleed seats
Becca Zarn: is caught with gum so many times before school is out that the graduation service is held in Room 11. Once out of St. Croix, she goes on to work for Bubble Yum, Inc. And stars in George Lucas’s latest flick, “Star Wars: Warrior Wookies”.
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